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March 9, 2013 | 3:00 PM

A bit of advice from Hedges Family Estate, Red Mountain, Washington:

- Don’t tether your wine glass to your neck
- Don’t pinch your fingers and say, “Just a little.” Dump it if you don’t want to finish it, but I’m going to pour as much as I damn well please
- Don’t violently lift your glass mid-pour and say, “That’s enough.” Same deal as above.
- Don’t say, “Give me the biggest thing you have.” This isn’t NASCAR.
- Let “smooth” take the day off from your vocabulary… the whole day
- Don’t shove. I mean… really
- Don’t say you hate Merlot. We all saw Sideways. Guess what: Miles didn’t want to drink Merlot because it reminded him of his ex-wife. That bottle he drank in the end—his most precious bottle—had a ton of Merlot in it.
- Don’t tell every winemaker about the winery that was down the street while you lived in Lodi
- Don’t ask how the wine scored… ever.
- Do wear a “Wine’er, Dine’er, 69’er T-shirt
- If you are going to wear one of the those little food trays that has a cutout for your glass, you better be damn sure you are cool enough to wear it. Note: no one is that cool
- Over-buff late thirties guy: Don’t try to impress your date by contradicting me. You’re going to fail. Yeah, try me
- Don’t lick your glass… pig
- Don’t talk about your sulfite allergy. There is a good chance you have no idea what you’re talking about
- Don’t dump into the water pitcher. And always look before you drink out of it
- Practice spitting at home; it will come in handy
- Don’t talk about the legs after you swirl the glass. Here’s a tip: the legs don’t matter.
- Don’t take your heels off and puke in the lobby
- Don’t ask what the most expensive wine on the table is
- Keep the rim of your glass food free
- If you proclaim that you don’t like white or rose, we will make fun of you when you walk away
- NO Perfume! And go light on the lipstick, honey

 

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